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I really wish the holidays were over now! We don't all enjoy spending money. Especially those of us that can barely afford groceries..I am feeling so yucky today..Matt and me keep having scary conversations about having another kid, I dont know how to say nicely that raising one child is enough for me. Hes sayin the next couple years I should get pregnant because he doesnt want to have a kid past 35. Fuck, I want to go to school and do something with my life so I can actually provide for my daughter. We are soo broke all the time.I would be the one stuck at home with the kids all day and night.. I just need to feel like a whole person again. Apparently being married is all about not being your own person though. Having another kid would just prolong me staying at home, Im sooo ready to be getting back out into the world and not being responsible for a delicate tiny person every waking moment. Having a job  would be like a break for me at this point. Im really not the type to just sit around at home, Im so restless. I know people go to school having small babies all the time, but after what happened to me with a baby sitter when i was a baby, Id just rather wait till she can talk to put her in anyone elses care. Im feeling ready with Lila though,shes a smart kid, and if I could get someone like my grandma or a close friend to watch her for me I wouldnt be so worried.
 Ive also grown out of doing whatever everyone else wants me to do, just for the sake of everyone else being happy and not looking down on me. Now I really dont care what anyone thinks about me or the way I feel about things. The only upside for me would be getting regular sex till I got pregnant, but then as soon as I start to show I iwll never get none :( and thats always depressing. Also it only took one time for me to get pregnant with Lila, so that doesnt really make it appealing  either. It really blows me away how for some people, all they see is how things effect them and everyone elses feelings are irrelevant. Its a very narrow mind set..

Okay so Im on day one of being healthier, Im drinking blueberry green tea instead of coffee.. It doesnt taste that shitty.I figure drinking 6 cups of coffee a day doesnt help with my sleeping issues. Imlistening to MTV makes me want to smoke crack by Beck I totally forgot about that guy till this morning. I ended up having way too much fun last weekend. Jamie stayed with me at mels the first night, we drank too much and were playing on a wheel chair screaming wesley willis songs, the next night my nieces Myriam & navina & jamies kid Gabby stayed the night, Myriam and Gabby ended up in a light saber duel & myriams helmet ended up in the litter box somehow so i was chasing her around calling her a "storm pooper" all night. Good times. My nieces rock. Im gonna go make a house out of diaper boxes with lila now..

THE MICHAEL BAYIFIER

THE MICHAEL BAYIFIER

Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, biatch! Yeah, I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt! I don't go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!
Eric Cartman

Garbage - Temptations Waits [HD]

The Stooges - I Wanna Be Your Dog

RICHIE HAVENS ~ Motherless Child ~

Im really grateful for how awesome life can be. Ive been dancing all morning,  Nothing makes me feel more alive than dancing...well aside from sex and singing..in that order. I wish me and melvis could take belly dance  together again, I saw her yesterday, she came by and we went to el porton for some girl talk. I could tell she has been stressed out and she looked atleast 20 pounds lighter than the last time I saw her. Shes always been like a sister to me, and I really need to start spending more time with her! I need to spend more time with my actual sister too, shes only 10 and im sure it pisses her off i dont come out much but I just cant stand being around my mom for long periods of time. Atleast my mom isnt bad off like she used to be, cuz I would make sure she didnt have custody of Audrey if she was. I forgot what I was going to say...

I suck at life. Sleep is so hard to come by these days. I keep wakin up from the most fucked up dreams & then I cant rest. Most of the time it's memories that are just contorted into nightmarish images if that makes any sense. I miss dreams that werent about shit, not  disgusting memories that claw their way through my subconscious & make me feel clammy and nauseous even in my sleep. fuck that :( I am just tryin to think happy thoughts. It really doesnt help that Im still scared of the dark, thats right, I said it. I should just pay someone to hit me in the head with a billy club every night. Maybe that would help. 

Things have been pretty awesome lately..I think. I might stay home and clean today because the house isnt awful but you can tell I havent been here, it's usually immaculate, I am such a perfectionist but lately I really donot give a fuck enough to be one. Last night Matt actually asked me if he could do fantasy football.Idont care! I hate when he asks my permission to do stuff like he will get in trouble or something. He is just trying though, and its nice that he has been doin that I just had to be brutally honest with him about everything I have been feeling, almost everything, some of my thoughts are way too ugly for the world. Im trying to be selfless and not so much selfish. I dont want to live my life trying to be a martyr but if theres any point I need to put myself on the back burner its right now,for my daughter.
I have been feeling so weird because I havent been sleeping well. My dad is on the phone talking about his lesbian lovers...so i gotta go listen to that

party time!excellent!

 Its crazy,every time I have a party someone draws on my furniture! Last time it was at the apartment on tucker,my dad had quit smokin reefer & became this obnoxious spaz and he drew "sally loves america" on my dresser. yep. he used to call me sally. Last night it was probably my friend Heather, since it was her birthday ima let it slide. The most awkward part of the night was that Heather invited Will, whom I hadnt seen since 7th grade after he took my virginity and my mom came storming in the room wielding a fuckin broom :X which she ofcourse beat the shit out of me with and locked me in a closet for a good while afterwards..yeeeah it did infact turn me off from sex for a looong time. My mom was not a mother,she was a sadistic prison guard and would put me in the fuckin hole for not asking to go to the bathroom,seriously. I probably deserved it that time though
 Overall the night was great,just wish I didnt drink so many fru fru dranks.I had the qworst dream that I killed abuncha people and got caught selling illegal weapons, I dont know why I would dream that LOL

Sonic Youth - Little Trouble Girl

Humming - Portishead