I suck at life. Sleep is so hard to come by these days. I keep wakin up from the most fucked up dreams & then I cant rest. Most of the time it's memories that are just contorted into nightmarish images if that makes any sense. I miss dreams that werent about shit, not  disgusting memories that claw their way through my subconscious & make me feel clammy and nauseous even in my sleep. fuck that :( I am just tryin to think happy thoughts. It really doesnt help that Im still scared of the dark, thats right, I said it. I should just pay someone to hit me in the head with a billy club every night. Maybe that would help. 

Things have been pretty awesome lately..I think. I might stay home and clean today because the house isnt awful but you can tell I havent been here, it's usually immaculate, I am such a perfectionist but lately I really donot give a fuck enough to be one. Last night Matt actually asked me if he could do fantasy football.Idont care! I hate when he asks my permission to do stuff like he will get in trouble or something. He is just trying though, and its nice that he has been doin that I just had to be brutally honest with him about everything I have been feeling, almost everything, some of my thoughts are way too ugly for the world. Im trying to be selfless and not so much selfish. I dont want to live my life trying to be a martyr but if theres any point I need to put myself on the back burner its right now,for my daughter.
I have been feeling so weird because I havent been sleeping well. My dad is on the phone talking about his lesbian lovers...so i gotta go listen to that

party time!excellent!

 Its crazy,every time I have a party someone draws on my furniture! Last time it was at the apartment on tucker,my dad had quit smokin reefer & became this obnoxious spaz and he drew "sally loves america" on my dresser. yep. he used to call me sally. Last night it was probably my friend Heather, since it was her birthday ima let it slide. The most awkward part of the night was that Heather invited Will, whom I hadnt seen since 7th grade after he took my virginity and my mom came storming in the room wielding a fuckin broom :X which she ofcourse beat the shit out of me with and locked me in a closet for a good while afterwards..yeeeah it did infact turn me off from sex for a looong time. My mom was not a mother,she was a sadistic prison guard and would put me in the fuckin hole for not asking to go to the bathroom,seriously. I probably deserved it that time though
 Overall the night was great,just wish I didnt drink so many fru fru dranks.I had the qworst dream that I killed abuncha people and got caught selling illegal weapons, I dont know why I would dream that LOL

Sonic Youth - Little Trouble Girl

Humming - Portishead