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I really wish the holidays were over now! We don't all enjoy spending money. Especially those of us that can barely afford groceries..I am feeling so yucky today..Matt and me keep having scary conversations about having another kid, I dont know how to say nicely that raising one child is enough for me. Hes sayin the next couple years I should get pregnant because he doesnt want to have a kid past 35. Fuck, I want to go to school and do something with my life so I can actually provide for my daughter. We are soo broke all the time.I would be the one stuck at home with the kids all day and night.. I just need to feel like a whole person again. Apparently being married is all about not being your own person though. Having another kid would just prolong me staying at home, Im sooo ready to be getting back out into the world and not being responsible for a delicate tiny person every waking moment. Having a job  would be like a break for me at this point. Im really not the type to just sit around at home, Im so restless. I know people go to school having small babies all the time, but after what happened to me with a baby sitter when i was a baby, Id just rather wait till she can talk to put her in anyone elses care. Im feeling ready with Lila though,shes a smart kid, and if I could get someone like my grandma or a close friend to watch her for me I wouldnt be so worried.
 Ive also grown out of doing whatever everyone else wants me to do, just for the sake of everyone else being happy and not looking down on me. Now I really dont care what anyone thinks about me or the way I feel about things. The only upside for me would be getting regular sex till I got pregnant, but then as soon as I start to show I iwll never get none :( and thats always depressing. Also it only took one time for me to get pregnant with Lila, so that doesnt really make it appealing  either. It really blows me away how for some people, all they see is how things effect them and everyone elses feelings are irrelevant. Its a very narrow mind set..

Okay so Im on day one of being healthier, Im drinking blueberry green tea instead of coffee.. It doesnt taste that shitty.I figure drinking 6 cups of coffee a day doesnt help with my sleeping issues. Imlistening to MTV makes me want to smoke crack by Beck I totally forgot about that guy till this morning. I ended up having way too much fun last weekend. Jamie stayed with me at mels the first night, we drank too much and were playing on a wheel chair screaming wesley willis songs, the next night my nieces Myriam & navina & jamies kid Gabby stayed the night, Myriam and Gabby ended up in a light saber duel & myriams helmet ended up in the litter box somehow so i was chasing her around calling her a "storm pooper" all night. Good times. My nieces rock. Im gonna go make a house out of diaper boxes with lila now..

THE MICHAEL BAYIFIER

THE MICHAEL BAYIFIER

Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, biatch! Yeah, I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt! I don't go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!
Eric Cartman

Garbage - Temptations Waits [HD]

The Stooges - I Wanna Be Your Dog

RICHIE HAVENS ~ Motherless Child ~